ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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