someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
