i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
