I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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