i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
