I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's always time for handjobs
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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