She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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