Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
