Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
