It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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