He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Green mimosas i think yes
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
