Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
