Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
