Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
