Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
