I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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