even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
