My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just pynch a tree in the face
my phone needs a breathalizer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
