What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
