I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
