Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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