I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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