how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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