Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
