She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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