I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
