I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
