If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
