If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
