I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
