Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
honey bunches of taint.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you had me at cake vodka
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
