I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
