I just pynch a tree in the face
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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