Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
