Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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