Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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