It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
