it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
