i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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