oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Randomize
