did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
