apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
In America we eat man semen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She's the barista slut.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
