The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
