Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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