I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i love accidental penises.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
