Please, let me fuck your mom
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
