I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
