My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
