and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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