I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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